Journal Entry

Taking “mommy time” without feeling guilty

Babies are a blessing. But after months of endless feeding and changing sessions, and the never ending to-do list that runs through your head, babies can become a bit of a blessing in disguise. One of the greatest things my beautiful babies gave me was a profound need to be away from them.

At first, this filled me with horrifying guilt. I had to be the worst mother ever, didn’t I? How many mothers periodically feel the urge to leave the baby with that nice woman next door and buy a one-way ticket to the Bahamas? For months, I was positive that the answer to this question was a resounding, “no good mother would ever feel that way,” and I always felt nervous and guilty at my desire to have even a few seconds of time alone. After all, I’d quit my job to raise my kids in a constant environment of love and support. Now I didn’t even want to spend time with them? These unwelcome emotions didn’t fit into my life plan, so I carefully filed them under “think about it later” and kept up my rigorous play/feed/change repeat schedule.

Finally, when my oldest child was two and my youngest was almost five months, I had a life-changing date with my best friend. She was a career woman, always immaculate and relaxed, even when a huge deadline was looming. Most important, she was the loving mother of three. After one too many Mimosas, I spelled out my case to my friend, dropping a few tears into my quiche, sure she was about to tell me I was a complete failure as a mother and a human being.

When I finished, she stared at me. I held my breath. And then she laughed. “Haven’t you heard of Mommy Time?” she asked. I stared blankly back at her.

And that’s when my friend told me that the secret to balancing her busy schedule and her family without losing her sanity was to periodically ignore her family. She suggested that I hire a babysitter twice a week and take three hours to do something “me” oriented: take a yoga class, take a walk, read a book, go out with friends, make new friends, whatever I wanted! The point, she specified, was not to take this time to rest… it was to take the time to reconnect with myself, to remind myself of who I was apart from my family. Without these precious few hours, a mother can become a feeding/changing/playing machine, and that is not somebody who is capable of loving as much as she could.

And you know what? She was right? The first few times I left my girls alone with a sitter I felt incredibly selfish and wracked with panic that something would happen to my precious daughters. But they were right there, sleeping peacefully, every time I came home. After a few weeks, I started to remember what it felt like to be an independent woman. And the unexpected side effect? I actually became a better mother. I love spending time with my kids, but it takes knowing who I am and feeling comfortable in my own skin to truly appreciate them the way I want to. If I’m constantly exhausted and depressed, my time with my beautiful daughters becomes a hazy blur.

Here are some “mommy time” things you can do:

Spas

In general, women love to be pampered. A mommy is no exception, and she probably needs it more than most women. Make an appointment at your local spa and get a pedicure, a manicure, a facial, a haircut or the works. Schedule a massage and relax the aches and pains you get from carrying heavy toddlers, who cry, “Up! Up!” all day. Invite girlfriends to come along and make a day of it by having lunch afterward and gossip all afternoon.

Classes

Check the local colleges for classes that interest you. You’ll have a place to go every week, meet people with similar interests, and expand your mind. Fitness classes at the local gym are a great idea, too, both for your body and your mind, and gyms are also a good place to make new friends.

Mommy alone time

There’s a lot to be said for just being alone. If you like to mediate, find a quiet spot to relax, maybe the park or a place outside, even in your own home, making sure the kids are out for the afternoon. If you enjoy reading or journaling, being alone can be a great time to reconnect with yourself. Using your mommy time to be with yourself is okay. Nothing says that the moment you get an hour of freedom, you have rush out and make new friends. Sitting in the library with a good book or taking a nap in your room is a perfectly reasonable use of mommy time.

Thanks to that friend and that fateful breakfast date, every moment I spend with my daughters feels deeper, and I have the added bonus of spending a little time twice a week with one of the most important and fun people I know. Me.

This article was contributed to by both Rachel Nelson and Rachel McClain .