Journal Entry

Mixed emotions for adoptee create love and security

We had been foster parents for seven years and never intended to adopt. In fact for most of this time, foster parents adopting their foster children was unheard of. We had three biological children, with the youngest at the time being ten years old, and we had assumed our family was complete. Still, we loved taking in the foster children.

Our lives changed one hot summer day when the phone rang and we were asked to take in a 2-month-old baby girl. Of course, we eagerly accepted. Anna came into our home later that day and we all fell instantly in love with her.

After two weeks,we were told this was an “open and shut” case and Anna would be free for adoption soon. Then the social workers asked if we would like to adopt her. I knew how the foster care system worked, with all of its ups and downs, and I told her that we would see how the case progressed, and if things turned out the way she expected, then yes, we would love to adopt.

But things didn’t go as planned. The birth mother was not willing to relinquish her rights to her daughter, and the courts started what would be a seven-year battle to try to do what was in the “best interest of the child.”

For the six months, Anna saw her birth mom almost daily. I could see that her mom truly loved her baby girl and would never do anything to harm her. Yet, mom had made a terrible mistake and would be serving a prison sentence and would be unable to care for her daughter.

The county went for a termination of parental rights when Anna was 1 1/2 years old. The county lost and mom retained her rights. She also was allowed to continue visitations with Anna while in prison. These visits strengthened the bond between Anna and her mother but would also make things extremely difficult in the end.

The county went for a second termination of parental rights when Anna was three years old, and this time it won, and the mom’s rights were terminated. However, mom quickly filed an appeal. It took the Appeals Court eight months to make a decision and that decision was to overturn the termination, and parental rights were returned to the birth mom. Anna was almost four years old at this time and was beginning to understand that she was in the middle of a very emotional tug-of-war.

I told myself that this struggle between the birth mom and the courts was really no different from hundreds of other custody battles between divorcing parents, but to see this little girl so fearful every day was heart wrenching. Anna began to show signs of stress and anxiety as she realized she didn’t have a permanent home and wondered daily which family she would be allowed to stay with. She was also torn between loving both families. We never uttered any unkind words to Anna about her birth mother, but her birth family told her many unfair and hurtful lies about us that caused Anna extreme anxiety and sorrow.

When Anna was six years old, the county once again filed for termination of parental rights and the case went to a jury trial. After two days of deliberation, the jury’s decision was to terminate the mothers parental rights once again. And once again the mother appealed.

We waited four agonizing months for the Appeals Court decision and were ecstatic when the decision was to uphold the termination. Anna was now able to be adopted. We immediately filed a court date for adoption, and shortly before she turned seven years old, Anna became a permanent member of our family. Even though this day should have been filled with joy and happiness, Anna’s eyes were filled with fear and confusion. She was seeing many of the same people in the courthouse for her adoption that she had seen in her home over the past seven years. She didn’t fully understand what “adoption” meant and seeing these people could mean that they were there to take her away from us.

Back at home after the adoption, I had Anna sign a certificate that I had made up with her new name on it and explained to her that this was for real, that nobody could take her away from us now.

I think it took many years for Anna to understand and feel safe in our home. She still talks about her birth mom and her grandparents, but she is better able to understand the circumstances surrounding her adoption. Having Anna adopted into our home was a very happy experience for our family, and it also meant that she was now safe and could begin to build a new life. She will always feel love for her birth mom and continue to have questions about her, and I will do my best to answer them.