Aging parents and young children: How to explain aging to your kids

Aging is a natural part of life and young children tend to be very accepting of it, but if you or your spouse have aging parents who are suffering from disease or dementia it’s important that you help your kids understand what’s happening to their grandparents. There are several steps you can take to make this easier.

Educate yourself

Young kids ask many questions and you will feel more confident and relaxed about answering them if you have really educated yourself regarding the process your parents are going through.

Be honest

If kids ask “Is Nana going to die?” it is not helpful to answer “No, of course not.” Kids trust their parents to give them the correct information and will be confused and even resentful of you when the day comes that Nana does die. Try to talk about death naturally. Don’t make it a taboo subject.

Use age appropriate language

Again, kids trust their parents to give them information they can understand. When my father was suffering from Alzheimer’s my kids asked why he didn’t remember them. I knew the complex issues behind his disease but simply told my kids that grandpa was sick and his memory wasn’t working properly any more.

Remember that things we find distressing don’t always distress young children. I found it hard to see an aging relative in a wheelchair, but when she explained to my kids that she had broken her hip, all they were really interested in was seeing the x-ray picture

Turn to books

Ask your health officials if they have any literature to help make things clearer for kids. I know of a specialist dementia hospital in England that produced a booklet for kids called “The milk is in the oven”, that explained dementia in a light-hearted but informative way.

When kids ask about death, keep it simple. It’s best to tell them whatever your personal spiritual beliefs are in a way they can understand. You may want to let them know that not everyone believes the same thing. A good book on the subject is Helping Children cope with the loss of a loved one: A Guide for Grown-Ups by William C Kroen and Pamela Espeland. Another book that might help is The Sandwich Generation: Caught between Growing Children and Aging Parents by H Michael Zal.

Don’t hide disease, dementia or death from your kids, but don’t burden them with it either. It is part of our job as parents to be strong for our children and protect them from adult worries. Even if your aging parents are occupying your heart and mind most of the time, make time to be silly and carefree with your own kids.