Getting pregnant again: Don’t let a miscarriage get your hopes down

If you’ve recently suffered a miscarriage, you’re not alone. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists estimates that between 15 and 20 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, with many miscarriages taking place before women miss their periods. Because many of these early losses occur before a woman even knows she’s pregnant, the miscarriage rate could be even higher.

I know, knowing that you’re not alone doesn’t make you feel any better. I know this because I have suffered from two miscarriages: one within days of my positive pregnancy test, the other at about 11 weeks. What I found out during those experiences was interesting. Many of my friends had suffered miscarriages—and they had suffered in silence. I also found that people I least expected to be supportive and understanding were, while some of the ones I thought would be there for me ended up being insensitive.

If you’ll be sharing your loss with people close to you, you may find closeness in unexpected places and discomfort in others. People don’t always handle sympathy and grief the way you want them to. With this in mind, surround yourself with people who understand and sympathize with you and try not to begrudge those that don’t. Join a miscarriage or pregnancy loss support group or find an online forum where you are free to pour out your feelings.

Miscarriage myths

One of the myths about miscarriage is that it is nature’s way of weeding out deformities. People will tell you it is for the best and that you’re better off not having a deformed baby. First of all, some fertilized eggs aren’t viable and will not progress, resulting in miscarriage. It does happen but that doesn’t mean that there was something wrong with you. If it makes you feel better, you can have the tissue screened for genetic abnormalities. I did this after miscarriage number two only to find no genetic problems. I wasn’t destined to have a horribly deformed baby if the pregnancy had continued.

In the movies, miscarriages are almost always instant. The woman falls down the stairs or off a horse and immediately miscarries. In real life, miscarriages aren’t like that. In many cases, the embryo dies long before the bleeding begins. Depending on how far along you are in your pregnancy, it takes a while for your hormones to fall to a level where your body understands.

It’s important to understand what does NOT cause miscarriage so you can stop blaming yourself. There isn’t any proof that having sex, using birth control pills, exercising, working or other day-to-day, normal pregnancy activities cause miscarriage.

During my second miscarriage, I found out during my eighth week ultrasound that they couldn’t find the embryo, yet my hormones kept rising as if I were still pregnant. My doctor said that I had a “blighted ovum” and that a placenta was developing (and producing hormones) but an embryo was not. Three weeks passed and I still hadn’t miscarried. Walking around with morning sickness and the knowledge that I had a dead baby in my belly was not fun. I scheduled a D&C (dilation and curettage) operation a week later.

Take your time to grieve

You may never know why you miscarried, but you do know that it hurts. Take the time to mourn your loss. While some may not understand, you need to do this for yourself. Your loss is real even though the baby was never born. Along with the loss of the pregnancy, you have also lost your hopes and dreams for your baby.

It doesn’t matter when miscarriage occurs or why it occurs—when it happens to you, it’s devastating. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t hope. Most women go on to have a healthy pregnancy the next time around. I’m happy to say that I have a 17-month-old baby as proof of that.

The best advice I can give is to have a good cry, find a supportive forum where you can get information and share your pain with other women and start trying again when you’re ready.

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